Sesshoumaru's Xmas List
by PsychoSybil
Summary: Sesshy has an Xmas List. After his insane rants, he'll prolly need a therapist. Rated R & IL, for Incredibly Long.


7/19/04: Yeah, Xmas didn't exist back in Feudal Japan.

7/24/04: I'm listening to WAAF's (107.3 fm, Boston, MA) Saturday Nite Hairball tonite. Its all 80's HEADBANGER MUSIC!!! YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry (not!) to all you children who just don't know what this is! Me no own InuYasha.

7/26/04: I've finished!

A/N: This is really long. Sesshoumaru is a baby and likes to rant! He's obviously having an IDENTITY CRISIS here.

**Sesshoumaru's Christmas List **

**1. A New Arm**. Preferably the **left **one. The one I had _before_ InuYasha came along and brazenly hacked it off. (Onore, InuYasha-me!) Do you know how hard it is to be without an appendage? (See #3, to Get Laid.) Do you?!?! I bet you don't! This Sesshoumaru knows you don't!!! I tried several different ones to no avail: Right after the 'incident', as we **shall **call it, I tried a big smelly, rotten, nasty youkai arm 150x the size of Jaken's brain and that one was useless because it was shit! Just wished it choked that fuck, Jaken, before it fizzled away into nothingness. Stupid asshole Jaken can't do anything right! Then, that bastard Naraku gave me a tainted human arm and it worked fine in wielding Tessaiga till InuYasha (asshole!) blatantly ripped it off. The last one I tried was a dragon's arm and that was working quite well to my satisfaction when I battled InuBastard (asshole!) for the Tessaiga again till he blew this one off, as well, with the Kaze no Kizu. I see a pattern emerging here and I fret if I do get my long lost arm back, he might rip it off. What the fuck is WRONG with that worthless Hanyou!? Does he not know Tessaiga is **MY** birthright! And give me my arm back, baka! Damn, the proper arm is still back in Chichiue's grave and I don't know how to get back there with out the Black Pearl! Argh! No! Not the fucking ship from 'Pirates of the Caribbean'! The one in Inukkoro's eye, you baka! And why in the freaking Seven Hells does everyone blame this Sesshoumaru for the loss of his own arm?!?!?!? Is it _my_ fault Chichiue copulated doggie-style with a worthless human female to create that bastard brother of mine? **I **think not! It was by _Divine Right_ that **I **should have Tessaiga and rid my family of that curs-ed Hanyou! And speaking of curses, why did Chichiue place a curse upon Tessaiga?!?!? Does he _not trust_ his First Born Full Demon Son, this Sesshoumaru, to be a _fair_ and _trustworthy_ leader?!?!? I am a TaiYoukai, dammnit! I am the Lord of the Western Lands, fer crissake! All those damn inferior youkais in the Sengoku Jidai call me INUTAISHO!!!!!! And further, I'm tired of getting _burnt_, DAD, literally and figuratively!

Just hang a **Big H** around my neck (A/N: or tattoo it right over his crescent moon) and call me 'Handicapped'. Don't forget my own special parking space either!

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**2. The Black Pearl. **Again, not the pirate ship, you worthless jackasses! Why would I, this Sesshoumaru, even associate with that smelly and lowly pirate, Jack Sparrow, as he is scum andoffensive to my royal eyes.He should cower in my regal presence and be privileged that I, Sesshoumaru-sama, even allow him within 1000 feet of me and then he should die!Die! Die! Die! Pirate scum, DIE! DIE!!!! This Sesshoumaru isroyalty and he is not and never, ever will be! Plus, my make-up will always be better than yours, Capt Jack Sparrow, especially my eye make-up! Black eye make-up?!?!? That is such a fashion no-no! Mauve is so in, like ME!! I am calling the FASHION POLICE on you, baka!!!!I am a 100 true Bishounen and only REAL Bishes use Maybelline and not Almay, like you! Nyah! Go to Hell! I am so waaaaaaaaaaaaay prettier than you! Double nyah!!!!!! I am a TaiYoukai. I am InuTaisho: Faster than a speedingKouga, more powerful than Goku and Majin Buu combined and able to leap really tall trees in a single bound. Look up in the sky, it's a large mutant bird, its saimyoushou, its SESSHOUMARU!

Ahem. (Too much TV. Yes, I've been sneaking to the 21st century to watch Toonami and Superman reruns on TV Land! So what of it?!? Can't this Sesshoumaru enjoy cable? I also enjoy X-Box and Playstation.) Ano. Now, where was this Sesshoumaru? Oh, yes, **The Right Black Pearl**. It is located in that cursed, no good, worthless, loser, asshole, fucktard, idiot, bastard, half-breed, scumbag, dipshit, shit-stain, jerky jerk, cocksucker, insignificant, motherfucker, brother's right eye. Whew, that was a lot. I could go on, but that is beneath me like that no good, asshole, fucktarded, moronic, stupid, cursed Hanyou brother of mine!

If I, this Sesshoumaru, could have **The Right Black Pearl**, I would wallop InuBastard's ass and get my birth-right, Tessaiga, and my lovely left arm back. Then, after I was done with it, I would turn it into a very nice cockring and show his wench 'What for'! God, I'm horny.

* * *

**3. To Get Laid**. Such a good segway to my next wish. Its been a good century and a half since this Sesshoumaru has enjoyed the sexual comforts and pleasures of a female or ....even a male, to boot What!? You thought me virginal?!? This Sesshoumaru thinks not! How absurd! DIE, NINGEN!!! Ahem. Anyhow, even though I do enjoy a very good anal rape-age from time to time, Jaken and his Staff of Heads just doesn't **do it** for me any longer. Come to think of it, neither does InuYasha or his male companion, Miroku (His wind tunnel made me limp for 4 weeks.) The excitement is just no longer there. I so need as easy friend to do it with. A casual 'mutual use' doggie style is what I, this Sesshoumaru, need. Back in the day when I was **complete**, I was called SEX-shoumaru or Sexxxy-sama. Yes, when this Sesshoumaru was complete and not a half the youkai he is today, he was the DEMON! Now, trying to get a date with anything on 2 or more legs & a hole is next to impossible. No one wants to date or have sex with a handicapped TaiYoukai with a Big H around his neck. Keh! And you assholes thought it was my frigid, emotionless exterior! Think again.

Tis true, I am hotter than the sun itself. I have tons of fan-girls and fan-boys screaming at my heels waiting to tear my silken robes from my insanely god-like body in order to glomp my muscular unit. Tis true that I am more perfect than a perfect circle! No not the band, you dolts, the shape! AAHH!!!!! I am surrounded by IMBECILES! Ahem. I have the most perfect curves of any bishounen in anime. Tis also true that I have many more romantic pairings than that BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP brother of mine, InuBastard, in the FanFiction-dom universe with everything from the characters in the series itself to alternate female/male characters to the authors themselves. I just have one complaint: IT'S JUST WRITING, YOU BAKAS!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT FEELING ANYTHING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT SATED!!! I AM STILL A HORNY FCK!! HOOK ME UP! WHERE'S MY PU$$Y?!? WHERE'S MY CCK?!?!?

As far as I know, Inu-Assa, is getting more ass than a toilet seat, if I knew what one was. FCK! I, this Sesshoumaru, am being censured by the FCC! Go FCC yourselves! Wait, what the fck is an FCC anyhow!? Some inferior youkai or black magic or a curse!?!?!? Whatever!! Someone should FCC me, instead! Speaking of FCC-ing yourself, do you know what its like trying to masturbate with one hand? Well, I , this Sesshoumaru, will tell you – Next to impossible, especially in public, seeing as I see to have no private place of my own to wack off (see #15, A Place to Live). Trying to wipe my Royal Youkai Seed (RYS) off my gleaming white clothes, armor and the nearby wildlife and plantlife, while fumbling with said clothes/armor to cover my Royal Person when there are passersby's is VERY EMBARRASSING! Like me, this Sesshoumaru, my RYS has a tendency to fly everywhere. And NO! I am not into farm animals! I told you pathetic humans that YOUR FOOD DOES NOT SUIT ME!!! And, do you know how many times I've done a Lorainna Bobbitt to myself as a result of falling into my own armor?!?!? Too many to count! Thank Kami that's it re-attachable!!! My hand also gets chafed easily! I'm not used to hard work! I used to order Jaken to do polish my katana and now he doesn't because he's repulsed by my disfigurement! WAAAAA!!! WHY ME!!!!! And do you know what this Sesshoumaru feels walking into a Youkai Bar in downtown Sengoku Jidai looking as hot as I am to have a one night fling? Humiliating! Once a potential sex mate learns about my **BIG H**, they snicker at me and leave, pointing me out to all in the bar. I am the butt of everyone's jokes. I only can only get sex from geriatric youkais or crazies from the Jim Rose Circus who want to do unheard things to my Royal Person.

I, this Sesshoumaru, also enjoy foreplay or rather USED TO UNTIL INUBASTARD TOOK MY ARM! Handcuffs are out because they require 2 HANDS, NOT ONE! I can't even pump up my inflatable dolls properly or use my Tommy Lee 3 foot double-ended dildo like I used to! I stick anal beads up my ass and I can't get them out after! Even plugging someone in the nether regions is no longer pleasurable! I can't grasp onto to my partner's backside with out falling over and ripping them in two. I lose more partners that way! UHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Even anal sex is out. Role playing is out. Standing on my head is out (don't ask.). EVERYTHING IS OUT! NO ONE WILL HAVE ME!!!!!!!! I AM CURSED!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FIND ME SOMEONE TO LOVE!!!! MY PORN MAGS ARE GOING TO WASTE! SAME WITH MY TAPES!!!!! MY SUBSCRIPTION TO DANNI'S HARD DRIVE IS USELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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**4. Hand Lotion. **I KNOW I ONLY HAVE ONE HAND, THANKS TO MY BASTARD BROTHER!!!! This Sesshoumaru is royalty and must keep every inch of his perfect youkai body soft and supple in case that special day comes when I do get laid. Yes, I use hand lotion for my body since its much _greasier_ than body lotion. This Sesshoumaru does hope you 'catch his wave', as those annoying ningens say. I find its use between the sheets quite useful when I do find myself with a willing partner (can you say 'greased pig'?) and further, it masks the lingering stench of self-gratification nicely well after I am done, which is usually pretty much lately. Also, I like to drop some into Jaken's path and watch him go flying. Such enduring amusement.

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**5. Stop Calling Me Fluffy**. My name is Sesshoumaru, dammnit! Call me by my **proper name**! It is spelled **F-L-U-F**.......ARRRGH!!!!! Now you see what you have made this Sesshoumaru do! You made me spell my regal and given name as **F-L-U-F-F**...ARRRGGGHH!!! You have vexed this Fluffy-sama twice over. Never again! I will reach out with my **left arm** and **throttle** you, like the shit-stain you are! What!? You are laughing at this Sesshoumaru! Do you deem me _stupid?_ How dare you!!! You will never call this Sesshoumaru-sama 'Fluffy' or 'Fluffy-sama' or 'Fluffy-chan' or 'Fluffy' anything! As my name indicates, I am the 'Killing Perfection' and I will pull out a can of Fluffy's special WHOOP ASS out on anyone who would dare call me FLUFFY! You will DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!! My name is SESSHOUMARU!!! SPELL IT...... **F-L-U-F-F-Y!**

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**6. To Wrest Tessaiga from InuYasha**. Yes, and once that I, this Sesshoumaru, have completed this task, _I will lay InuYasha to rest!!!!_ Why did Chichiue _give _Tessaiga to that bastard? I, this Sesshoumaru, am great and all powerful. Nothing can stop me: not Naraku, not Kagura, not the Seven Man Group, not a bunch of smelly cats or even... Jaken! Ahem. A perfect TaiYoukai like myself, who is able to kill so **perfectly perfect** and look so **perfectly perfect** while doing it, should have the **perfectly perfect** weapon of choice -- the TESSAIGA! TESSAIGA: Faster than Miroku's roving hands, able to kill 100 demons in one fell swoop and more powerful InuBastard's thought processes! ME! GIVE IT TO ME! AAAAHHHH!!!!! **I SHOULD BE THE SOLE OWNER OF** **TESSAIGA!** NOT INUYASHA! Huh!? I mean, INUBASTARD! He took forever to master the damn thing and for myself, it took a matter of seconds. His soul is the epitome of shame and is cursed because he is a worthless HANYOU. His blood is tainted because his mother was a human whore to Chichiue! I am a full blooded, First Born Son of the House of Taisho! My soul is pure and not to mention, PERFECT! I am INUTAISHO! I am a TAIYOUKAI! I AM A DOG IN THE FORM OF A MAN!!!! I GIVE NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE 'ALL MEN ARE DOGS' !!!!!! Huh?! Where the fuck that come from??? JAKEN!!! HOW DARE YOU PUT WORDS INTO MY MOUTH!!!!! DIE! Anyhow, I am done with my ranting. I must go stick InuBastard 6 feet under and

I do not feel inclined to go any further into this subject as I have proven my case in my previous rants. Plus, this Sesshoumaru's throat hurts. Jaken, where's my JD! (see #19, A Bottle of JD)

* * *

**7. Herbal Essences Shampoo. **Yes, it's a joke in FanFiction-dom that I, this Sesshoumaru, supposedly use this brand of shampoo. And guess what!? This Sesshoumaru does! SO WHAAAAAAAT!?!?!? Who do you think those females in those commercials are modeled after, anyhow? ME, that's who! And where to you think they got those _girly orgasmic cries_ from?!?!? Yes, ME again! To be honest, I inadvertently invented this commercial when some sick, perverted marketing guy from the 21 century caught me unawares nude bathing in one of my palace fountains flipping my hair around like some drunken secretary at her boss's bachelor party and I screamed like Rin, and maybe Jaken, as a result. I felt fear for the first time since I battled InuBastard when he was transformed. (You know, after he killed that giant moth thingy.)

Frankly, I have the most perfect hair (and tail) in all of the Sengoku Jidai and of any bishounen in the anime universe. Anyone who pertains to have better hair that I, like that bitch Jackie from 'That 70's Show' or even that deceased psycho, Yura, shall know my vengeance! This Sesshoumaru shall sneak into shower stalls all over Japan and the 70's to replace all Herbal Essences Shampoos with _inferior ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I did not get to be a TaiYoukai because of my _magnetic personality. _It was my hair! FUCK YOU, YURA! FUCK YOU, JACKIE! Come to think of it, that Hair Monster of Naraku's was a threat too. FUCK YOU, deceased Naraku Hair Monster!!!!

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**8. Nail Polish. **My claws need attention! This Sesshoumaru's cuticles are dry and scaly. His nails are cracked and uneven. It is because I have an intolerance towards everything LIVING, maybe except Rin as she is a very _obedient pet_. I feel the need to kill everything in my path with my claw because I am Kami's gift to all of Japan. I say 'claw' because I ONLY HAVE ONE FUCKING HAND THANKS TO INUASSA!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! WHY THIS SESSHOUMARU!?!?!?After centuries of killing, my only remaining claw is unholy to this Sesshoumaru's sight! I need a nice manicure at some Chinese nail salon somewhere in California. I also need a pedicure and a message and a hair cut and a weekend retreat at Club Med! Too bad Club Med won't be invented for another 400 years. I know I live long, but I CAN'T WAIT! WHY CAN'T I GO THRU THAT FUCKING WELL?!?!?!?!?!?

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**9. A Mirror. **Really, must I even tell you why I want a mirror?!?! So I can LOOK at MYSELF ALL DAY!!!! I AM PERFECT! I AM HOTTER THAN A STOVE! Where's Kanna? That mirror is MINE, BITCH! I am too sexxxy for myself!

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**10. Bone Eaters Well. **That's it. I'm hiring an **excavator** to dig that fucking thing up and bring it to my palace in the Western Lands. I need the 21st century more than my Bastard Brother and his whore do. They've got things called 'Malls' and 'Designer Clothes' and 'Spas' and 'Hair and Nail Salons' and endless supplies of Herbal Essences shampoo! Plus, they've got something called 'Beverly Hills' and 'Escort Services.' I, this Sesshoumaru, understand that these 'Escort Services' are basically for sex. I bet I can get a lot of _tail _this way. I need some _Cherry Pie_ (make a grown Youkai cry), even though I've never eaten it.

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**11. Shiko no Tama. **Fuck you, Naraku! You're a dead something-or-other! I, this Sesshoumaru, am taking that damn, fucking jewel from you and heading to the 21st century to PAMPER myself once I get that damnable well on my property. (I am currently in litigation over this well's property rights.) I'm rich, selfish, overly-handsome, full of myself, and can afford to screw you, Kagura and Kanna thrice over. Plus, Rin wants a new toy and I will not deny her. DIE, YOU PIECE OF WHITE HANYOU TRASH!!!!!! Screw your plans to take over the Sengoku Jidai!!! This is SOOOOOOO PASSE!!!! Haven't you read the latest edition of Cosmo?!?!?!? I guess not! At least I, this Sesshoumaru, have the _balls_ to see into the future, while you misplaced _yours _seeking out a new body, BAKA!

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**12. New Clothes. **Okay, you'd be sick of wearing the same FUCKING CLOTHES for hundreds of years too. My current clothes are smelly, full of moth holes and out of date! There are no LAUNDRY FACILITIES in the Sengoku Jidai, just DIRTY RIVERS!!!!! I can't clean my silken robes properly! Especially my silk thong collection. I think something satiny, sleek, sheer and sexy would be nice! Maybe a negligee, thigh highs and stilettos would be nice. Or even tight leather pants or a pair of assless chaps would be sexier!! After all, I do have better steamier buns than a baker!! I, this Sesshoumaru, would feel much more like a MAN in these clothes than that cumbersome kimono I always wear! Damn Rumiko Takahashi! This is all HER fault! Frankly, the Hugh Heffner look is also very becoming to this Sesshoumaru, especially when it includes a mansion (see #15, A Place to Live) and tons of hotties, of course none hotter than this Sesshoumaru. Anyhow, I demand a Youkai's lifetime worth of gift certificates to area malls around Paris, London, Milan, New York, Beverly Hills and Newbury Street in Boston! I MUST look good no matter what century it is since I am PERFECT, more than a perfect circle!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AGAIN, not James Maynard Keenan's friggin' band! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PATHETIC HUMANS!?!?

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**13. Scarrier Armor. **Like the clothes, this Sesshoumaru needs new armor. The armor this Sesshoumaru currently has, TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!! It keeps breaking at the littlest thing! What kind of shit is this armor made of anyhow!?!? **TECHINBOND**!?!? Speaking of bond, James Bond has some spiffy devices I could do over InuBastard with! And could anyone tell my WHY I need spikey armor for an arm THAT I DON'T OWN ANY LONGER????? Ahem. I spend more money on armor repairs its ridiculous! My insurance deductible has gone sky high because I keep getting into 'accidents' with that damn BASTARD BROTHER of mine, INUBASTARD!!!! My insurance company keeps blaming me, this Sesshoumaru! Can you believe this?!?!?!? WHY!? IS IT MY FAULT I MUST RID MY FAMILY OF THAT WORTHLESS FUCK!?!!?!? MY INSURANCE COMPANY SHOULD THANK ME, THIS SESSHOUMARU, FOR EVEN UNDERTAKING SUCH A DAUNTING TASK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, my step point has gone up and one more infraction and I will lose my CDL-- Classy Demon's License! And then I will lose my insurance and they might come and repo (repossess) my armor and possibly my right arm! I will have to attend Youkai's Ed Class, too! DAMN INUYASHA!!! THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT!!!!

Ahem. I am looking for armor along the lines of Terminator or Gundam or Robotech. Fuck, even the Yamato would do. That Wave Motion Gun is just so PHAT!!!!! I'll see you on the battlefield, INU!

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**14. 80's Music. **Not 1580, 1680, 1780 or 1880. **1980! **I, this Sesshoumaru, could have been a HEAVY METTLER! I have **long hair, a fluffy boa, very girly looks** and **markings that look like make up! **I would also look very sexy in **spandex**. And I, this Sesshoumaru, would fit right in because the drummer in DEF LEPPARD, has **one arm** as well! Ahem. BANG YOR HED! METAL HEALTH WILL DRIVE YOU MAD!!!! ROCK ON! I am UP ALL NIGHT, however, I do not SLEEP ALL DAY! TURN UP THE RADIO!!!! Ano. What _is_ a radio? I would like some slut to TAKE ME DOWN SLOW AND EASY! I also RUN WITH THE DEVIL and ABUSE MYSELF! One day, I will find my way HOME, TO MY SWEET HOME, I just don't have the PATIENCE to wait that long. Did you know my claw is full of POISON?!?!? Did you know I like GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS and I am feeling like a VIRGIN, now????? Did you also know I have many PHOTOGRAPHS of myself! I am sooooo ONE IN A MILLION! I know HEAVEN IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER! I, this Sesshoumaru, is angry like this music! I want every CD made from this era delivered to my palace in the Western Lands immediately! It's a pity there is no such thing as Fed Ex in the Sengoku Jidai! I feel like I'm on SKID ROW! I am so LIVING ON A PRAYER that my music will come soon! SMOOTH UP IN YA!!!! I AM YOUR TURBO LOVER!!!! Gomen, I am still horny.

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**15. A Place to Live. **I,this Sesshoumaru, am **HOMELESS!** I'd give my left arm to live in a PALACE!!!! WTF am I talking about! I already did! Where's my PALACE, biotch! I'm a statistic! I'm a statistic in the Sengoku Jidai when the math class, Statistics, didn't really exist! So not cool!!! Kaede has a home. Naraku has a home. Kagome has a home. Osama Bin Laden has a home called a cave and so doesn't Kouga! Kikyou had a home—A grave! Rin had a home until she met me, now she's homeless too. How come I do not have a home!?!? I don't even own a cardboard box to my name or a pot to piss in! Gawdammit! All I do is walk around the Sengoku Jidai in a daze looking to rip Naraku a new asshole. Actually, that would not be so bad since I need to fuck something badly...

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**16. Grooming Kit. **Preferably one from the Sharper Image would be nice. I do not do those inferior grooming kits one can get at K-Mart, Target or Walmart. I, this Sesshoumaru, have expensive taste. I disdain dirt and must keep it from my Royal Person at all cost. Why do you think I look so damn **PERFECT** when I fight?!?!? It is because I keep an emergency grooming kit up my left sleeve, where I USED TO HAVE A LEFT ARM! DIE, INUBASTARD, DIE! I think it was YOU who made off with my kit! What, you can't get a piece of your whore looking like you do, you **mangy mutt**!?!?! So you must steal from me!?!? I, this Sesshoumaru, **will rip you** out of my life like an **ingrown toenail! **That Sharper Image grooming kit better have an **EXTRA STRENGTH BLOW DRYER** with it, because I will **blow** InuBastard away with it, like he did me with the Tessaiga!

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**17.**** Kal Kan. **_Woof!_ Since I, this Sesshoumaru, do not and refuse to eat _human food_, I must _eat _something! So _dog food_ it is! Be it Kal Kan, Alpo, Pedigree, Iams or Science Diet, I must have a **shiny coat, strong teeth and bones, and keen eyesight**. And, maybe if I eat more dog food, I'LL GROW MY FUCKING LEFT ARM BACK! Ahem. I also find that I _bark at the moon_ more often since I've been consuming these Inu food products from the 21st century. OWU!! OWUUUUU!!! OOOOOOOWWWUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!! I understand a demon from the 21st century barks at the moon as well. I think he is named Ozzy Osbourne, calls himself the 'Bloody Prince of Darkness' and wears dark eye makeup too, like that damned Jack Sparrow. Well, guess what Ozzy-sama?!?!? DIE! No one takes the name 'Bloody Prince of Darkness' without consulting with ME FIRST, especially when THEY ARE NOT ROYALTY, LIKE ME! Biting the heads off of birds does not make one bloody! KILLING THEIR BASTARD BROTHER DOES!!!!! Your days are numbered Ozzy-sama! One day when you are not looking, this Sesshoumaru will make you have an accident with another ATV! Ano. Does anyone know what an ATV is? Or where I could purchase one?

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**18.**** Hair Clip. **Hair clips are very useful. Rin and I like to share and 'play dress' up with them. Sometimes we go out into public with matching hair clips. Tres chic! You should see all the jealous stares we get! It is just amazing! Ahem. Enough of this topic.

I need a hair clip for the obvious reason: NO! Not because I have a shit load of hair, you friggin' nimrods! I NEED TO CLIP BACK MY LEFT SLEEVE BECAUSE IT FLAPS IN THE AIR WHEN I FIGHT! It is very cumbersome to this Sesshoumaru to have extra material waving around when he is the process of killing some inferior youkai or a worthless hanyou, like INUBASTARD! If I had my LEFT ARM back, then my left sleeve would be used for it's intended PURPOSE and I would have no NEED for a hairclip. I feel like a bag of potato chips.

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**19. A Bottle of JD. **Jack Daniels Whiskey. I want to be seaside sitting with my toes in the sand, smoking and drinking. I want to be ringside. All the bills are paid and I got it made in the shade. All I need is the whiskey!!! I was forced to listen to music that sounded like Toutousai screwing his own cow and found out it was something called 'Van Halen.' I, this Sesshoumaru, was about to ambush InuBastard and his crew because I was bored, like I usually am, and thankfully for them this strange music put me in a good (!!) mood and I promptly left to go to the local packy (liquor store) to purchase some spirits. Unfortunately, I ended up meeting Kikyo. This Sesshoumaru has just made a joke. You must laugh now and then die! I have my JD and I will consume it to forget about my _past_ troubles. This Sesshoumaru has made a second joke. You will laugh now and then I will impale you with my demon-hood..... er....I mean...my claws and watch you scream a slow, painful death!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! My, thith alcohollllllicccc bevewage ith tassssssteeee! It seemth tooo beeeee maaaaaking thith Thethoumaroo much more angwier than he awready am. How conveeeeeenee-ennt for meeeeeeeee an' not INUU-YYYAAAASSSSSSSSSHHAAAA!!!!!!! Exscoos meeee whiiiiile I path owt!

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**20. Aspirin. **This Sesshoumaru has a splitting headache, like the kind I will give to my dearest little brother when I see him again. I think what I have is called a 'hangover'? Although I do not understand the point of leaning my body over a fence. What will this accomplish? All I ask if for a bottle of extra strength Tylenol or Valium. I need to get back on my feet, which are dangling in the air as a result of myself hanging over a fence, and kill my little brother. I am being nice here because of this hangover-thingy. DIE!

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**21. A Big Fat Fattie**. No! This Sesshoumaru is not into Big Fat Sexy Ladies, like I have seen on the internet. I am talking about marijuana! Jaken is being selfish and will not share his with me. He tells me I treat him like a toad. I really have NO IDEA of what he speaks of. Not only am I, this Sesshoumaru, an alcoholic, but a junkie too.

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**22. A Barbie Doll. **Huh?!? Oh, my _lovely Rin_, my _pet,_ it is just you. For you, I will buy you anything. You have _melted_ my, this Sesshoumaru's, cold heart. I shall _protect you_ and _love you_ as I do _myself!_ You are my little _pookie! _Which Barbie do you desire, _my little adopted daughter-kins???_ Malibu Barbie, Baywatch Barbie, Catwoman Barbie, Wonder Woman Barbie, Mary Kate and Ashley Barbies, Lingerie Barbie, Party Time Barbie, or maybe I'll keep them for myself and give you TaiYoukai Ken, instead.

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**23. A New Master. **Double HUH!?!?!?Jaken, you incestuous cousin to Kermit the Frog, how dare you place your wish in my, this Sesshoumaru's, wish list! How dare you deny Miss Piggy of a good lay!!!! Santa Claus is MY BITCH and not YOURS! DIE! YOU WILL SERVE ME, THIS SESSHOUMARU, TILL THE DAY YOU DIE, WHICH IS NOW!!!!!

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**24. A Dog Collar. **Arf!I, this Sesshoumaru, think I'd look pretty damn bitchin' in a tight black leather spiked dollar collar when I go to kill InuBastard! Plus, it would match with my existing armor. I am sooooo HOT! Let me kiss myself! SMACK!!!

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**25. A Membership to Dog Toys. Com. **A pooper scooper is what I have dreamed about for years now, especially when there are no proper _waste facilities_ in the Sengoki Jidai! Think of all the fun I, this Sesshoumaru, would have watching Jaken pick up after me! I shit you not. Also, I hear this site has the tastiest doggie cookies around. I could use some more sugar in my diet. How else do you think I transform?


End file.
